having cancer taught me somethings.

1. thank God for every single moment
2. don't take any day for granted.
3. take risks
4. seize the moment
5. take some more risks.

i have kept this secret for far too long
i know i should be honest with both you and myself
but how will you take it?
what will you think of me?
you are so delicate and contained....
yet your intelligence makes you strong...
it makes me swoon
i think you are the greatest
and
you
don't
even
know
it.....or maybe you do and you don't care...
what will it take for you to care?
for you, i can give completely 100% of me.
change..my.whole.life.
or will i?
is this a phase that i am going through?
only time will tell--
so until then..until you realize that i am what you need.
i will admire you.
from.afar.

(C) 2007. L. Tatum

the weekend has been nice.
well spent with a good friend.

there's a guy i like. it's such a puppy love high school crush type feeling. he makes me laugh and act goofier than i already do. modern society says, "TELL HIM!"
however my traditional values dictate that i just pray about it and wait for him to pursue me :(
my problem with that is HOW WILL HE KNOW I AM INTERESTED????????/

uhm..yeah...today was an interesting day.
i found another piece that i wrote a long time ago.
it truly truly describes the way.i.feel.right.now.

i will post it later.

i was cleaning up my guest room and i found some poetics that i wrote some time ago.
when i read them, you would have thought that i just wrote them yesterday.
the pastor on Sunday said that you know when you are ready to marry when the person in your head, heart, and hand are one in the same.
my pastor teaches women to stay in their place and let the man pursue us. that's soooo hard, because the one i have my eye on, makes my heart beat fast..something no one else has EVER accomplished. i have him in my head and in my heart and i pray pray pray that God will put him in my hand.....we've hung out a few times in a group of others, so hopefully he notices my intent gaze at him....

but yeah...back to the poetics.

Subtle thoughts
Subtle smiles
A passing glance
Meeting of the eyes
Subtle wants
Subtle desires
An obvious connection
But broken affection

So yeah...the last time I was here, wow...I was on some depressed type stuff.
I found out that I had Breast Cancer in November 2006.
Scared the crap out of me. I mean, I love my boobs, and I just didn't understand how one could be "sick."
I am 8 months after my diagnosis. I feel fine. It's weird, because I never got sick. I mean, not really sick like you see folks on TV, I just had small situations where I just didn't feel like myself. My hair fell out and my fingernails turned and icky black, but other than the psychological stress, I have done well. I thank God for that.
I reflect back to the first weekend after my diagnosis. I went to Mississippi that weekend to hang out with the Blue and White family at the Capital City Classic (my beloved Jackson State vs. Alcorn State). In the airport that Sunday morning waiting for my return flight to Austin, I started thinking about what song I would choose for the situation. (Remember, you always need a song for the situation...it can be the same song or a different song.) For cancer, I chose, "We've Come This Far by Faith."
"We've come this far by faith.....leaning on the Lord.....trusting in His Holy Word...He's never failed me yet.....Ohhhh Ohhh Ohhh Ohhhh Ohhhh Oh, can't turned around, we've come this far by faith." That is the song that has got me through because in all that has gone on in my life, He has never failed me, and I thank Him over and over for that.

So yeah..wow...last time I posted, I was in a state of depression. It didn't last long. God wouldn't let me. I tried to have a pity party, but He wouldn't let me. There were times that I TRIED to cry, and HE wouldn't let me. Lord, I thank you the grace that you have shown me. Thank you thank you thank you.

to update.
i have been diagnosed with invasive ductal carcinoma. in laymen's terms, breast cancer.
i am 29.10 (01/16 is my birthday)
***********************************
i work up this morning and laid in bed too long thinking about my body. everyone tells me not to worry and that is is going to be okay...so why can't i feel that way. i have my faith, not sure how great it is right now. i know that God has me and he is in control, but it's still so so so so so so hard. i am thankful to have so many supporters because i need them to pray intercessorily for me, because i am having a very hard time doing it myself. i keep thinking, why at 29, and i know that i am not supposed to question God or the things that He does, but i just really would like to know what on His agenda for me. everyone tells me to call them if i need to talk, the way i feel, i don't want to bring anyone else down with me. so i decided to write, and maybe if this doesn't go good and God decides that He is ready for me to come and be with Him, people can still remember me by my words. i finally told my family. my mother and grandmother were pretty positive, they were positive for me, but i really wish that they hadn't been. my sister cried, and she said she didn't know what to do in a situation like this. i have to try to spend more time with her so if i don't make it she will be able to remember fun times. my best friend kimetre is as scared as i am. she lost her mother in 98, her father in 05, and her uncle in 06, all from complications associated with cancer. when her uncle passed, she said that she felt like Job. when i told her she cried even though i hadn't. i wish i hadn't told her.

I have realized that in my life time, there have been a lot of things to happen, that will definitely go down in history. Two space shuttles have exploaded (Challenger and Columbia), America has been attacked by terrorists (Oklahoma City Bombing and 09/11/01), the price of gas is at an all time high (currently $2.85 at the Exxon nearest to my apartment), the first American President that I remember as a child was laid to rest (Ronald Reagan), and a natural disaster has occurred that left New Orleans, Louisiana looking like a third world country (Hurricane Katrina).

One of my good friends helped me to realize something yesterday. What you may ask? I will never get a federal job that requires top security clearance because my credit is horrible and I can't pay my bills on time! So does that mean that I won't be effective at doing my job because I am behind on my bills?? Tricky.... Money solves problems. I don't care what nobody says.

Oh my goodness, I have been gone for a little over 2 months...I haven't been anywhere, but right here in Austin. However, I have been extremely busy. I am proud to annouce that as of April 9, 2005, I am a member of Zeta Phi Beta Sorority, Incorporated. I give a shout out to all my sorors and frat brothers of the only constitutionally bound brother-sister greek organization! Now in addition to my PHAmily, I have my PHI-Family. ZZZZ-Phiiiii! Soooo sweet!!
It has been a difficult YEAR going through this process and as I sat down with my new sorors, we talked about how long my process had taken. As a result, call me, "PurrZistence," if you know the situation, the name speaks for itself. If you don't know, it's Zeta business, and that speaks for itself.

my comments on Oscar Night.

• Morgan Freeman—Best Supporting Actor—Million Dollar Baby! Great! I haven’t seen the movie, but I do plan on seeing it. Especially now! Morgan Freeman has always been a great actor.
• The Incredible beat out Shrek for Best Animated Feature Film, I can’t believe it!
  Chris Rock was funny but it was a kind of muffled funny.
• Robin Williams was hilarious.
• Chris Rock, "Next year, instead of the Incredibles, the black version will be “The A’ights”
• I hated Drew Barrymore’s dress and she looked horrible…not sure how I feel about the smoky eyes look on pale white girls. Her hair should have been more upswept.
• Beyonce is singing a song in French…I bet she had to practice for a VERY long time! Her makeup is pretty though, very different on the eyeshadow! She sang the hell out of that song!
• Chris Rock did a poll of people in Magic Johnson’s theaters, the were extremely funny. Most of the people that he interviewed were black and had seen none of the Oscar nominated movie. But they had seen and liked “White Chicks.”
• Pierce Brosnan was hoarse. But I kinda liked the raspy-ness of his voice.
• For best supporting actress, Sophie Okonedo was nominated for Hotel Rwanda, but she didn’t win. Cate Blanchett’s pale ass won.
• Leonardo diCaprio presented for Best Documentary Feature—the winner was Born into Brothels, which beat out Tupac: Resurrection. So far, the only black winner has been Morgan Freeman!
• Kirsten Dunst was is too pale for the black dress and blonde hair look.
• For film editing, the award went to the freaking Aviator. The freaking Aviator has already won about five damn awards.
• Something interesting..there were a LOT of empty balcony seats.
• Where was Catherine Zeta-Jones??? Chris Rock had to fill in for her. It was cute.
• Beyonce is singing another song. I like her dress and makeup, but I hate her jewelry…It is too big and gaudy. I feel funny giving Beyonce props because before this year, I really didn’t like her.
• An award was finally given to the movie Ray, but I didn’t catch the category.
• JAMIE WON, THAT’S ALL I NEEDED TO SEE. THE GUY FROM TEXAS WON!
  

It's Valentine's Day 2005, and I am "Zippity Doo Dah" happy. Not for the obvious reasons of love and all that crap, but because I have been selected for membership into and organization that I prayed for. I got the call last night around 8:00 ish... It couldn't have come at a better time! I will post more about it as time progresses. The name will be revealed after I pay my money.

I am so bad when it comes to coming here to write...however, I thought about this site today and decided to drop in and say hello...not that anyone knows that this spot is here, but maybe I have a secret admirer somewhere.. It's late and I am acting like a kid, fighting sleep...and I still need to take a shower!! Tomorrow is funky Monday...I hate Mondays!! I am thankful for the day, but I was just feel better with a three day weekend every week...next one is not up until Presidents' Day... Oh well, I was just checking in to say hi...

Labor Day 2004.

Today has been such a lazy day. I have done absolutely nothing. I am reading Nina Foxx's latest book Going Buck Wild. It is a pretty good book, and the fact that it is set here in Austin makes it even better. So, today, I have read the book and just chilled at home. I have also been working on this small business thang that I am thinking of creating... Sometimes, I think I have a small case of ADD because I get bored with some things easily. However, I am taking notes on this project and I am going to file a DBA for an assumed name on tomorrow...well, that's the plan :)
Hope that your Labor Day has been great!

My plans for Labor Day Weekend 2004

*Friday--working at the County until noon. Get off. Go home and clean up. Spend time with that guy. Go to PT job for 1 1/2 hours. 10:30 p.m. Get on the bus to take an overnight casino trip to Marksville, Louisiana. (while riding, it is my plan to study for the LSAT)
*Saturday--at the casino most of the day...planning to "hit the big time." Other part of day will be spent on the way back to Austin. May try to contact that guy when I get back and see if he is available to spend some more time with me.
*Sunday--CHURCH, read, cook, chill, stay up late...
*Monday--REST REST REST

*On one of these days, I need to wear white b/c I haven't worn enough white this year, and the deadline is nearing .

me and my baby sis...i am the short one

I am so incredibly horribly tired! I can't believe how tired I am. I am tired of working two jobs...have I been back at the second job a month yet? Almost! I don't think I am going to be working this job much longer...I can't handle the heat. Tonight, while I was entering airbills, I listened to Lionel Richie, "The Definitive Collection." I was so depressed that I almost started CRYING! I can't be listening to stuff like this when I am having relationship woes! I am so glad that tomorrow is Friday, and a three day weekend at that. I am supposed to go to the casino tomorrow night...hopefully I can hit the big time and quit both of my damn jobs.

I am BACK! I can't believe that I stayed gone so long...Well, I guess it is finally time for me to share this spot with others..maybe it will help me to get to writing more..as well, let other's see the private me...

I hate being talked to any kind of way. I hate being insulted. I am intelligent, and I do not have to be treated as a young, dumb little girl, and I will not take that into 2004.

I AM THROUGH WITH SCHOOL! at least until January. But technically, I am finished with all of my CJ classes. My Masters' degree is getting closer and closer... I am the most humble person I know. Like sometimes, I have to remember that I DO have a Bacherlor's degree... I hope that when I get my JD in about two or three years, I don't get bougie... I am scared of that. I have been thinking about where I want to go to law school and I think that I need to make some quick decisions. The reason is because out of state fees are a MUTHA! For the University of Memphis the residency tuition is almost three times less that what it is for non-residents. So, that got me thinking. Maybe I need to go somewhere and live for a year to claim residency... I am not sure about that though. Well, I have work to do.

Last night was not good. As I cried myself to sleep, I prayed that God would throw his loving arms of care around me and He did. I don't have complete peace, but all I can do is take this thang day by day.

I had a pretty productive day. I went to a Mary Kay Open House and got a lot of cool gifts! I went to my OES meeting and then to a book signing at Mitchie's . I even finished off buying this Sisterfriends' Christmas gifts! I am so happy to have gotten that taken care of! Then I went to dinner with a friend. Now, I am at home chillin' and watching America's Most Wanted. I am SO infatuated with why criminals do the things that they do. If I wasn't so scary, I would've been a Criminalist a long time ago....Oh well, got a test that I need to complete. Holla 'atcha later.

Okay. I got my hair braided one week and two days ago. It was looking good. I had been taking care of it and sleeping with a nightcap on....well last night, I must have tossed and turned too much b/c my cap came off. This morning I tried to rejuvenate my braids and I sprayed some braid spray on and now my hair looks like CRAP! NEVER USE "BETTER BRAIDS!" My hair stylist TOLD me not to use "BB" and I was like, what can it hurt. Now I am pissed!

Christmas Social Invite from the that sorority received today, I am ecstatic!

I am so tired of my job. I mean don't get me wrong. I am thankful for the job, but I just need more. More money, more challege...I am scared to change jobs and fail, but something has got to give!

i got a "greeting" from the sorority that i am soliciting last night. i am excited. my heart skipped about ten beats.
i got my hair braided today and i feel wonderful! i am going to dress cute for work tomorrow.

Today is a better day than yesterday was. It just has to be. I am at work now and I woke up early this morning and made breakfast. I thought I did pretty good, but I think that I overrate my cooking anyway. There are two days until Thanksgiving and I have a lot to be thankful for. This time last year, I was down on my luck and by the grace of God, I made it through. For this, I give thanks!

Okay, people think I am superstitious, but it is true. Everytime I cook mashed potatoes, I have bad luck. I am a good person, and I deserve the best of everything, but for some reason, I can't get it. I think that somehow God forgot to give me a happy button.

I WILL NEVER MAKE MASHED POTATOES AGAIN! I am convinced that they are a threat to my happiness.

MAN! It has been so long since I posted here! Update on my life. Moved from Cedar Park, and I live in a one bedroom apartment. It was a big adjustment to not live in CPT anymore..but I have made it. I can breathe better now. Being out there was truly a learning experience. I have learned to not be so trusting and I now analyze everything. It is possible that this aspect would be something to hurt me later, but I can't be too careful... I love this thing and I promise to do better about keeping up. Holla later!

today was an okay day. i have cramps but that is the worst of it. it could be worse. i am off tomorrow, so i am up tonight just chilling... i need to do something with this crazy hair of mine. i am about to start a countdown until time for me to move. this has been a ROUGH year and i am glad that this lease is almost up. i told ed about everyone last night. i don't think that what i said registered with him, though. he isn't the type to wear his feelings on his shoulder. that was one of the things that he taught me that i have let go of over the years....how to be hard! i am about to revert back to that. oh well. toodle~loo

today is the first day for me to use this and if i hadn't been nosing around on someone else's site i wouldn't even know about it.. but writing keeps me sane. i need to wash my hair cause i just finished swimming and the chlorine smell is about to run me crazy...i miss him so much. if you know me, you know who i am talking about. i am going to wash my hair... i'm gonna wash that man right outta my hair~