i am here.

ramblings from a crazed mind.

Saturday, November 11, 2006

to update.
i have been diagnosed with invasive ductal carcinoma. in laymen's terms, breast cancer.
i am 29.10 (01/16 is my birthday)
i work up this morning and laid in bed too long thinking about my body. everyone tells me not to worry and that is is going to be okay...so why can't i feel that way. i have my faith, not sure how great it is right now. i know that God has me and he is in control, but it's still so so so so so so hard. i am thankful to have so many supporters because i need them to pray intercessorily for me, because i am having a very hard time doing it myself. i keep thinking, why at 29, and i know that i am not supposed to question God or the things that He does, but i just really would like to know what on His agenda for me. everyone tells me to call them if i need to talk, the way i feel, i don't want to bring anyone else down with me. so i decided to write, and maybe if this doesn't go good and God decides that He is ready for me to come and be with Him, people can still remember me by my words. i finally told my family. my mother and grandmother were pretty positive, they were positive for me, but i really wish that they hadn't been. my sister cried, and she said she didn't know what to do in a situation like this. i have to try to spend more time with her so if i don't make it she will be able to remember fun times. my best friend kimetre is as scared as i am. she lost her mother in 98, her father in 05, and her uncle in 06, all from complications associated with cancer. when her uncle passed, she said that she felt like Job. when i told her she cried even though i hadn't. i wish i hadn't told her.